An emo-esque rant

sat up last night wondering about the reasons I too often choose to deny myself the things I want in life...Its as if each time I come to the crossroads I ask myself if the things I think I want might in some way encroach upon anothers happiness. Oh , I'll grab a pizza from the local shop and sit down to it gleefully over a ballgame or a dvd..but when it comes to relationships.. things change very quickly. I turn down even those I feel might work out because I find myself wondering if I'll end up doing something that might hurt her and, in the long run. myself.
I used to take solice in the one night stand, no strings attached thing but I always knew that wasn't for me..I think I did it primarily to FORGET about the need for a relationship but it failed.
The last "one night stand" girl I was with called me the next day..she asked if I "meant what I said"
Admittedly I did not RECALL what it was that I'd said.. so I asked. She told me that during our encounter I'd told her "you are Beautiful"
I recalled it and said yes..I'd meant it. She thanked me and said she'd had several boyfriends and many more one night stands and no one had ever said that to her before. It told me a lot about her..and myself to an extent
I see beauty as something not to corrupt...she sees herself as someone not worthy of praise.
I'm told constantly I'm insane for "dissing" the "perks" I could have..and I'm sure I've insulted a few girls who prolly think me arrogant and feel I think I'm "above" them..but really I don't want to further the illness they perceive as "popularity" and I perceive as a "quest for love"
Maybe I'm not really cut out for love..I had it once and let it go for fear of not being able to hold on to it..its like killing yourself out of fear that someday you'll die anyway..
ahh well..I'm sure that somewhere someone is saying "oh poor you..turning down booty calls"..I can only reply that I've never met a girl that gave away the most precious thing she has to give ...strictly out of lust for a "quickie"..I decided I'm not the guy to pick a rose from the garden..smell it once and toss it in the dirt. Call me crazy..you're prolly right

its not crazy, its awesome and i admire you for you. the right girl is out there for you. you just have to open your heart and mind to the possibilty of it lasting and that you deserve a good person.

Jeezuz, Hex, Ive been sitting here for all these years, being a wrestling groupie, a bass guitarist groupie, and assorted other demented roles.

Seriously, I have a problem with commitment, relationships also. I had expected something back in the groupie day, from those who had none to give. It came to the one-nite stand was just the order of the day. When I recieved a call, or a second look, or number, I thought something great had happened. I have become desensitized, and am not sure what I am capable of offering anyone. Yea, a roll in the hay, but looking further.

But I have become quite content with being with myself, my property, and animals, as the last relationship was a stress test. (bruce) THere is something missing, but Im not sure I could be with a person on a live-in or constant basis. So maybe I am more spun than you are. THere is fear of failure, so I dont try. It seems not worth the effort. Sad, huh? I am not sure if I am even capable of love anymore. The last true feelings were some very long years, and not an ounce of it was returned. I think Hex knows where.

But I am sending vibes out to you, hoping you find happiness, my dear friend. And yes, there is someone for everyone. MIne is probably Abe Vigoda.