Aries (March 21 - April 19)
I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more, unless you've paid.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
That new employee seems honest, and is a really hard worker - so who cares if she wants to wear a studded dog collar? You'll have to draw the line at butt sniffing, though.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you will receive a gift horse. Unfortunately, it will have a really horrendous case of gingivitis.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today will be a complete waste of time. You will at least learn to spell "equaminity."..er..."equanimbity"...no...hmmm. You will learn to spell a word like that, today.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will go on a boat ride, and a deranged bunny will swim towards you in a threatening manner. Unfortunately, this episode will be caught on videotape by a tourist, and your dreams of a political career will be forever dashed.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Oddly, despite the impression you gained from a television commercial, your new soap will not inspire unusual levels of grinning in the shower.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Today you'll try the old "goat in a box" trick, on your new boss. It'll backfire, though, and you'll be the one with the clown shoes.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will have a trifle too much punch at a party this week, and will amuse the other guests by flopping around on the floor an making "Ark! Ark!" sounds. But who cares? If they want to be stuffy, let 'em, I say.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will be in a somewhat ornery mood when you go out to an Italian restaurant tonight. You will insist on chopsticks.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Good day to make a call from a pay-phone in a busy place, and say (in a loud voice) "You dumped the body WHERE?."
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Avoid friends who've had sudden personality changes, today. And always watch the skies.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Good day to hold hands. If you don't currently have a spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend, you can probably find a fake "severed hand" at a magic supplies store. That might be a good thing to pick up in any case? You never know when it might come in handy.
Subject: Your Zany Horoscope! 
